My thoroughly uneducated guess would be:
1) New fragrance for hand lotion
2) Newer fragrance for hand lotion
3) Newest fragrance for hand lotion
4) Fulton's Gas Station - Best Price in Town on Ethyl
5) Smoke and Fire, version six-and-seven-eighths (67/8)
You're good with your comparatives and superlatives...
The Dan and Dave forum might be back up, that could be one of the releases.
[sarcasm]Oh, be still my beating heart...[/sarcasm]
I'll take another crack at it.
1) Dan and Dave's silicone-based intimate lubricant - what goes on at Ace Fulton's, stays at Ace Fulton's...
2) Dan and Dave sportsjacket with accents of vintage leather from mule saddles - costs $2,499.99 and worth EVERY penny...
3) Fulton's Cricket Pitch - "I remember when my great-great-grandpapa from England used to play with the Notlob Knobblers...they made it to regionals that year...what year was is again...oh yes, 1850..." The deck has no indices, square corners and is made on taupe-colored construction paper. God save the King!
4) Smoke and Moresmoke, version whothehellcaresIhavetobuyitiamaslavetothetwinspleasetakemymoney... It's a limited edition of 7,000,000,000, but only three will be available for the first sale. We'll find the rest in the back of the warehouse a few hundred at a time and make people beg us for them...
5) Dan and Dave trimmer/clipper - perfect for eyebrows, nose hair, ear hair, hair down there; hey, the audience notices these things... Guaranteed to make your flourishes 75% slicker-looking...
Maybe the [/sarcasm] tag should have gone somewhere after this sentence...