Why you may or may not be a piece of human shit at the movies:
- You use your phone at any point after the trailers to do something other than bludgeon yourself to death with it.
- Your voice can be heard for whatever reason other than screaming because I am bludgeoning you to death for being audible.
- You are wearing a hat/have an afro in the movies and despite that, you chose to continue existing.
- You brought a child under 4 to the movies, doesn't matter what movie it is, and opted not to euthanize yourself and said child immediately.
- You brought a child under 10 to an R-rated movie, and opted not to euthanize yourself and said child immediately.
- Your phone rings more than once and, instead of lighting yourself on fire and dying slowly and painfully, you chose to ignore it so that it can ring again.
- You have an obnoxious laugh and, rather than cutting out your vocal chords, you chose to go see a movie.
- You audibly laugh at things that are objectively not funny despite the fact that you should have instead hung yourself instead of going out that night.
- You take up more than exactly one seat. It's okay that you're fat, but it's also okay if you go home and overdose on sleeping pills, too.
- Despite not being a rotting corpse, you smell like someone regurgitated their own shit.
- You think it's okay to sit next to someone when there is an abundance of seats available elsewhere.
- You think it's okay to sit in front of someone despite the abundance of seats elsewhere.
- You think it's okay to sit behind someone despite the abundance of seats elsewhere.
- You are kicking the back of someone's seat for any reason other than being strangled to death because of how worthless your life is.
- Instead of doing a murder-suicide with your whole family, you chose to bring all 14 of you to the premiere of a popular movie, taking up a fourth of the available seats, just so that you can all be loud and fat together.
That is all.
